Financial Infidelity and What It Means to A Relationship

Financial infidelity is becoming a more commonly discussed topic, as statistics show that financial infidelity affects as many as one in three couples.

As a CPA and finance professional, I have and share, my own story about financial infidelity and how I hid over $100K in debt from my husband.

I am a finance professional, and I knew better, yet still allowed myself to get into debt.

The reason I share my story is twofold: first, I don’t want to let my mistakes define me, and secondly, I want to let people know that we are all human and we all make mistakes. Making mistakes is part of growing as people. Yes, I made a very expensive mistake, but that mistake led me to pursue my passion and dreams.

I refuse to be defined by my mistakes. I have learned from them and grown personally and professionally by them.

You can check out part of my story that was covered on CNBC here.

What is financial infidelity?

Financial infidelity is when you are hiding information or cheating on your spouse when it comes to household finances.

It can be something as little as hiding small purchases to something much larger, like the $100,000 of debt I got myself into and hid 50% of from my husband.

I manipulated my husband into purchasing a backyard oasis, and I don’t say this lightly. Nor am I proud of that. If my husband had known about the debt that I was hiding, he never would have agreed to install a swimming pool in our backyard.

How to notice signs of financial infidelity

There are red flags that you can pick up on in your partners behaviour that can alert you to investigate further into what’s going on. Are they hiding packages that they purchased, or are you getting a lot of deliveries to your door?

Every relationship is different and there are as many red flags as there are relationships, so when you feel something isn’t right about your partner’s behaviour, look into it. Trust your gut. I believe strongly that your gut instincts don’t lie.

How to protect yourself from financial infidelity

Get involved in your finances. When you check out of your finances and allow your partner to control the money management in the household, that essentially is putting your finances at risk.

When you choose to not get involved in your finances and give full trust to your partner to take care of the money management for the household, you have checked out. That is unfair to your partner because it leaves them alone to manage all the decision making. And if things go wrong, it’s too easy for you to blame them.

When you are both involved in the financial management of your household, you are both financially empowered.

Do we need to share our finances?

HerMoney conducted a survey with Alliance and found that many women are choosing not to combine household finances. Women are partnering up later in life, and combined with higher education and salary levels, they are usually entering partnerships with more financial assets than before and are reluctant to share those.

Women are more confident knowing that they have the financial means to provide for themselves, so this study suggests that more women are splitting the household costs with spouses and keeping their financial assets separate.

There is no right or wrong answer to this question, and I am strong believer in doing what feels right for you. If it feels right to share all your finances, then do so. If it doesn’t feel right or your concerned about your partner’s spending, then don’t. Either way, you need to protect yourself. Don’t hesitate to put your own needs first.

How to get past financial infidelity

I am not a marriage counselor or therapist but speaking from experience I do know that it is possible to move past financial infidelity. In fact, it offers an opportunity to strengthen your relationship.

Read: Figuring Out Money and Understanding What Makes You Rich

The bottom line is your finances are part of your overall health and having a healthy relationship with money needs to be important to you. It’s unfair to check out of the financial management of your relationship and have your partner solely accountable. Share the responsibility and support each other.